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Tu or vous? Which one should you choose and when?
In principle, "tu" is used in informal situations and using it in an inappropriate situation may be seen as a lack of respect...
To avoid embarrassing situations, it is good to know how to differentiate between formal and informal situations. Just like language registers, there are rules to be applied depending on who you are talking to!
Vouvoyer
We use "vous" in a formal context. In French, there is even a verb that means "to say vous to someone"! We say "vouvoyer".
We say "vous" to:
- people we do not know
- our superiors
- teachers
- older people
Tutoyer
On the contrary, you can "tutoyer" a person (address them saying "you"). We say "tu" to people in an informal context:
- our friends
- our family
- children
- other students from university
- colleagues
Be careful! It is rare but some families use the "vouvoiement" (they talk to each other using "vous"). For example, children "vouvoient" their parents.
It is also possible to "vouvoyer" your in-laws (the parents of your husband/wife). It depends on the families, so it is important to inform yourself before meeting them. Furthermore, in an informal context, we often use the familiar register (slang words).
But be careful, some families do not really tolerate the familiar register. I recommend you to prefer slang with young people, and to avoid it in family or with older people.
And if I don't know?
If you are not sure, I advise you to say "vous" to the person, it is better to be too formal than not enough. If you can address them informally, they will let you know by saying:
Tu peux me tutoyer ! Tutoie-moi ! (You can say "tu"!)
You can also ask:
Je peux te tutoyer ? On se tutoie ? (Can I say "tu" to you? Can we address each other with "tu"?)
Conjugation
You must conjugate the verb according to the subject of the verb. So you will not conjugate the verb the same way with "tu" or with "vous".
For example: you are at university and you are looking for your classroom, you are a bit lost. You meet another student and you ask them for directions. You will address them with the informal “tu”.
Excuse-moi, je ne trouve pas ma salle. Tu peux m’aider, s’il te plaît ? (Excuse me, I can't find my classroom. Can you help me, please?)
On the other hand, if you are in the street. You are looking for the station but you are lost. You come across a woman in the street and you want to ask her for help. This time, you are going to address her politely.
Excusez-moi, Madame. Je suis un peu perdu, pourriez-vous m’aider, s’il vous plaît ? (Excuse me Madam. I'm a bit lost, could you please help me?)
You notice that the language register changes: when addressing someone informally, we use a more casual register.
When addressing someone formally, we use a more formal register (inversion of the verb and subject in the question, politeness formulas, verb in the conditional...).
Many French students are more comfortable with the "tu" because the verb is easier to conjugate or because in their native language, the "tu" is more used or even because the difference tu/vous does not exist. (Sorry, can you help me, please?)
Be careful not to mix "tu" and "vous" in the same sentence. (Excuse-moi, vous pouvez m’aider, s’il te plaît ?”)
Finally, do we kiss or shake hands?
French people are known for giving a lot of kisses. For the number of kisses, it depends on the region - usually it's two kisses, but it can be three or four.
Comedian Paul Taylor has a good summary of this French tradition!
More seriously:
- We shake hands in a professional context (a business meeting, a work meeting, a job interview...).
- We kiss on the cheek in a private and family context (family, friends, friends of friends, people we meet in the private circle). We usually do two kisses, but again, it depends on the region... If you have any doubt, there is even a map of France showing the number of kisses per region! 😂
Note: You can kiss someone and still address them with "vous", be careful not to confuse them!
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